Grief is a Communications Challenge… Not an HR Process

Solomon Ibeh (00:00):
Grief doesn't just change a person, it changes every conversation around them. Most people want to help but don't know what to say, and that silence can hurt far more than the loss itself. That's the lesson behind the story you are about to hear.

Doug Downs (00:33):
One moment, Sheryl Sandberg was on vacation with her husband, Dave. The next, she was facing every spouse's worst nightmare, a phone call, a hospital room, a silence that changed the shape of her life forever. In the days that followed, the world blurred. Friends, colleagues, even people she'd known for decades suddenly didn't know what to say. Some tried, many avoided her entirely. At the office, the place that had once been so familiar became a maze of quiet hallways and averted eyes. People weren't unkind. They were unsure. Unsure how to approach her, unsure what words were safe, unsure whether speaking would even help or make everything worse.

Sheryl later wrote about this in her book Option B, how returning to work after Dave's death was one of the loneliest moments of her life. Not because her colleagues didn't care, but because they didn't know how to show it. She said the silence around her grief hurt more than the grief itself. Not malice, not neglect, just fear. Fear of saying the wrong thing, which led to saying nothing at all.

Grief in the workplace is not just a human resources issue. It's not about policy or bereavement leave. It is a communications challenge. Our words, our presence, and sometimes even our silence shape the way people heal and how we can learn to speak with compassion when it matters most. Today on Stories and Strategies, why choosing to ignore grief should never be option A.

(02:34):
My name is Doug Downs,

Farzana Baduel (02:36):
And my name is Farzana Baduel. Our guest this week is Cindy Lang, joining us today from Calgary, Canada. Hi, Cindy.

Cindy Lang (02:44):
Good morning.

Farzana Baduel (02:46):
How are things in Calgary? Cold, I imagine, and

Cindy Lang (02:50):
Snowy. Cold and snowy.

Farzana Baduel (02:53):
What's the temperature out there?

Cindy Lang (02:56):
It's about zero, which is excellent. We couldn't ask for better, but I think we have about three or four inches of snow.

Farzana Baduel (03:04):
Ooh, that's lovely. I quite like snow. Now, Cindy, you are a registered social worker and ontological coach who blends emotional intelligence with grief-informed communication. You are a guide for individuals, families, and organizations navigating loss, helping them to understand how emotion, language, and presence shape the way we support one another, especially when someone returns to work after a bereavement. And you are a steady, deeply human voice whose private practice, Wellspring Alberta, leadership, and lived experience brings practical compassion to workplaces and communities across Canada.

Doug Downs (03:51):
Cindy, grief in the workplace, that is a communications challenge long before it becomes a human resources one. And I'm not saying HR isn't involved. Of course they are, and they're succinctly involved. What does that mean to say that it's a comms challenge, and why is this distinction so important?

Cindy Lang (04:11):
Well, when someone experiences a loss, the first challenge that shows up is a human one, not an HR policy one. And the moment where a colleague returns to work, people aren't sure what to say, how to acknowledge the loss, how to support them in those early days, early weeks, and even early months. So that uncertainty and hesitation, or silence, can be a real communication challenge.

So when communication is avoided or rushed, mismanaged, the ripple effect can quickly become an organizational conflict. And so there can be performance concerns, conflicts that arise, taking more time off work, having to have a leave. And then we see more complex HR issues.

The distinction matters because it shifts the focus to where the impact begins, which is with the people. It's a human impact. And when grief is approached first as a communication challenge, then leaders and colleagues can be invited to respond with more presence, flexibility, and compassion instead of relying solely on policy and procedures. When we lead with human-centred communication, we can prevent some of those situations from ever becoming complex HR issues. And grief is human long before it's administrative.

Farzana Baduel (05:56):
Cindy, we operate in the world of communications. And one of the most difficult situations for so many of us, whether you're in the world of PR or not, is when somebody close to you has lost someone, and then all of a sudden we are stumped for words. We don't know what to say, how to say it, when to say it. And often we end up with these sort of generic “thinking of you”, “you're in our prayers”. And we just wanted to understand, Cindy, from your perspective, from your expertise, what's the best way for people to communicate, whether it's a friend or a colleague, an acquaintance? How can we find our way to show our support using words?

Cindy Lang (06:45):
Well, I think about really what you're talking about almost as a communication framework, and can we bring that into the workplace? And I think about, I developed a three-C model. It's a grief-informed communication approach, not only for leaders but for colleagues.

So we begin by asking about consent and clarity. What do you want your team to know? How much detail feels okay for you? And how would you like that information shared? Would you like it emailed? Do you want us to have a meeting, or do we want to share it individually? This can prevent assumptions, protect emotional boundaries, and set a respectful tone for everyone involved.

And one thing that I would even say is more important is cultivating grief competency. This is grief literacy. I strongly recommend leaders gather their team and talk briefly about what to expect and notice.

(08:05):
This helps us become more comfortable with language. When you're bereaved, you're impacted physically, cognitively, emotionally, spiritually, and socially. There can be reduced focus, forgetfulness, slower processing. Physically, we are exhausted. Fatigue shows up. Socially, there can be strained interactions, shifting identity, and questioning beliefs spiritually.

When we expand our grief literacy, it supports how we connect with the colleague returning to work. Helpful language can include saying the person's name, if that feels okay. For example, “I'm thinking of you and I can't imagine what it's been like since your husband Dan died.”

Ask gentle, manageable questions. “How is your morning going?” instead of “How are you?” Bring it down to concise moments like “How's your afternoon going?”

(09:37):
“I'm happy you're back.” Acknowledge the experience. “I can't imagine how difficult this is for you, and I just want you to know I'm here.”

Supportive actions can be simple. When my first husband passed away 20 years ago, a colleague brought over a wooden crate with fresh bagels, cream cheese, and fruit. I received many casseroles, but I remember that fresh food most. Meal cards or SkipTheDishes cards can be easier than freezer meals.

Offering childcare, pet care, or errands helps. Instead of “Do you need anything?”, try “I'm heading to the grocery store, can I pick up staples for you?”

Farzana Baduel (11:24):
I love that. Be specific rather than vague. Small, manageable questions instead of big ones.

Cindy Lang (12:10):
We get evacuation procedures in offices. What if we also had guidance on how to respond to a bereaved colleague? Some people dive into work and don't want to talk. That's a thinking-style griever. Others are feeling-style grievers who express emotion openly. Both are valid. This comes from Kenneth Doka’s work in the late nineties.

If we were more equipped, we’d be less awkward, less afraid, and less likely to use platitudes like “at least they're in a better place.”

Doug Downs (14:04):
No more pain.

Cindy Lang (14:06):
Exactly. If the bereaved person says it, that’s different. Our intention isn't to hurt, but it’s uncomfortable and awkward.

Doug Downs (14:41):
When your husband passed, what was the one thing someone said that you still remember?

Cindy Lang (14:51):
It was more the actions. When I came home from the hospital, there were five people in my living room, including the president of the company I worked for. That created a space for my grief. Not every leader can do that, but small actions matter.

(15:57):
At that young age, people didn’t know what to say. We shouldn’t shame that. Grief isn’t linear or on paper. It’s unique.

Farzana Baduel (16:54):
It starts with empathy.

Cindy Lang (17:33):
If you're a thinking-style person, your strength is action. If you're a feeling-style person, your strength is empathy.

Farzana Baduel (18:31):
Lean in and listen.

Cindy Lang (19:00):
Absolutely.

Farzana Baduel (19:02):
If you're not a hugger, be a hugger.

Doug Downs (19:04):
Are we allowed?

Farzana Baduel (19:06):
Well, you are not.

Doug Downs (19:08):
See, that's sexism. Thanks for your time today, Cindy.

Cindy Lang (19:17):
Thank you.

Farzana Baduel (19:18):
Before you go, we have a question from Marc Whitt from Kentucky.

Marc Whitt (19:29):
What is the one impactful thing PR professionals can do in 2026?

Cindy Lang (19:55):
Create communication that acknowledges real human experiences and supports people.

Farzana Baduel (20:24):
Love that.

Cindy Lang (20:25):
Yeah.

Farzana Baduel (20:26):
What question would you leave for our next guest?

Cindy Lang (20:30):
What do communication professionals need to understand about how messaging lands during tender moments?

Doug Downs (20:47):
There’s no cookie cutter.

Farzana Baduel (21:05):
The more conversations you have with different people, the better your communications land.

Doug Downs (21:53):
Thanks, Cindy.

Cindy Lang (21:54):
Thank you. Equally grateful.

Doug Downs (21:58):
Here are the top three things we got today from Cindy Lang.

Number one, start with the human, not the policy. Grief shows up as a communication need long before it becomes an HR issue.

Number two, give control and keep it manageable. Clear consent, simple questions, and specific offers of help create safety and reduce overwhelm for a bereaved colleague.

Number three, understand grief styles to communicate better. Recognizing thinkers and feelers helps colleagues respond with empathy in ways that fit both the griever and themselves.

I think I'm a little more thinker than feeler, but I think I get tonnes of both, Zen. I think you're very similar to me.

Farzana Baduel (22:40):
Yeah. Yeah. I think definitely more thinker, but I guess a feeler actually, when I'm not so rushed off my feet. So I think it kind of depends on how busy I am, how much headspace I have to lean into my feelings or go straight into mega brain mode and get stuff done.

I thought Cindy was absolutely fascinating. She really made me think and understand actually how important communications is to an organization. So before it becomes an HR issue, it's a comms issue. And so much can be done in comms in order to protect an organization with its stakeholders. And it all starts with empathy.

Doug Downs (23:20):
Back from the hospital. And there's the CEO in her living room just to show they care. That must have felt like a weight coming off her shoulders.

Farzana Baduel (23:28):
Gosh, if I ever meet that CEO, I'll immediately be such a fan. So just showing that, demonstrating that compassion, not just platitudes, I think.

Doug Downs (23:37):
Oil and gas CEO, who would've thunk it, but right, right.

Farzana Baduel (23:42):
Now, if you'd like to send a message to our guest, Cindy Lang, we've got her contact information in the show notes, so please do reach out to her.

Stories and Strategies is a co-production of Curzon Public Relations, JGR Communications, and Stories and Strategies Podcasts. If you liked this episode, please leave a rating and possibly a review. We would be super grateful.

And thank you to our producers, Emily Page and David Olajide. And lastly, do us a favour, forward this episode to one friend. And thank you for listening.